Subject: 1st annual duh awards
"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff,"
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it,"
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet,"
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is
that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that
Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force We meant, of course,
that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
courtesy of Dave Farber
copyright © 2002 d. f. tweney / tweney media