Subject: 1st annual duh awards

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. [and her hair color...?]

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive actress]

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [it helps to read crime stats when you're stoned]

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne [just because they've been here 10,000 years, you'd think they had rights or something]

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark [Danny was never really good at the stats part of baseball]

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined oxygen masks, Lee]

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. [Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie....L-I-E-D]

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina [right after you call the New York Times]

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off your food stamps]

courtesy of Dave Farber


copyright © 2002 d. f. tweney / tweney media

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